MOMENTAUFNAHMEN: acknowledging shadow, celebrating light

One more week to go in my presidency, and so so much has happened over the past weeks. So much emotional process, so much realizing, so much releasing. It's been two years of brightness, of learning and radiating. And each light has a shadow, at least that's what they say. 

Who's they? I don't know, it's the faceless grey crowd that makes sure life runs according to 'plan'. And it's our own tender hearts crying to be heard. Just the other day, I found myself in deep conversation with my lovely co-president I enjoyed so much working with over the past 12 months. The past weeks have been tough on us, and it took us several attempts to come back together. Stripping off one layer at a time. Only then we were fully able to meet each other, with our most vulnerable selves. Hearing stories about belonging, the fear of being alone or not good enough and the story of a shadow that somehow had attached itself to our relationship.

Where on the inside, we have been working and grooving together at eye level, outside there were voices reaching out, declaring her acting as a shadow of mine. Making her doubt her whole contribution and right to exist.  

Over a year ago, it's been the two of us declaring a new paradigm of leadership for our beloved organization, and with that starting a transition phase and a re-wiring of tremendous intensity. Me being there in the role for over 1 y already, learning from the old. Her, stepping in with a year of board experience, lots of courage and little to lose. Us, creating the new. Me really not so focused on the external but rather on the dynamics inside, her leaning back to observe & learn. Me actively pushing her forward and stressing our equality wherever I went. And yet, me tending the external relationships I was introduced to, in an attempt to give the US space to focus on what is needed most.

And yet dynamics are dynamics, and in most systems, they are caved in deeply. Whoever I know knows me, not you. And wherever I am present, it's me not you. Me being in touch with many partners meant her not being that present, tending to other questions. Her realizing that in times of transition was not about an egocentric need to be on this or that board, about status, but about the fear of not being woven into a net of relationships that is s crucial for our organization. This is about the functioning & evolving of relationships and networks, and the incredible difference between inside & outside the bubble we call oikos. 

In any system we act, we have to acknowledge how we are part of wider system dynamics & minglings. And this dynamic is closely related to what I, for now, will call being shaped by context. setting out to challenge the status quo - becoming the status quo in the everyday running trap, spiralling. Because, what you touch will touch you, as well. I was so afraid of this dynamic, moving into my role as a president & interacting with so many insidious, life-sucking institutions. I was afraid, ventured in with an awareness of this, a consciousness of my boundaries and a certainty that I couldn't avoid it if I was to touch anything. I was touched, for sure. And I will take time to unravel how the different influences have tainted my perception, what I want to carry forward, what I want to re-learn, re-code, re-pattern.

This is also a story about the falling short of celebrating the light if a shadow becomes too present. Any celebration of light needs acknowledgement of potential shadow to set it free. To make it 'real'. 

In another conversation with my dear friend & partner we kept circling around the topic until we finally found ourselves right there. Where I understood that I didn't need the acknowledgement of the world, but to hear from her that she celebrates my light. And the other way around, that she had my full trust & blessing, that I see her light. That we both acknowledged our shadows, even if we might not fully grasp or be able to name them. Something started to release right there. Both of us in tears. Bringing light to shadow.

This is a story about the importance of daring & having a closer look at our shadows, to help each other see & move through them. Why not together? Why not? There's so much power in this.

What a learning to share with the world!