MOMENTAUFNAHMEN: autumn ramblings

Arriving back from a long walk through the autumn landscape. Making my way out, I felt a deep longing in my body. 'Stay', she was calling. 'Don't return yet to the virtual world. Let us breathe for a moment'. It is hard to transfer the brimming love I feel for the natural world. All the colourful leaves framing the way, the formations of birds describing the warm breeze that is in the air. The flourishing forest, full of fungal fruit. The spider wiggling in front of my face, finding a new spot in the moss that dresses an old oak. The clouds turning fiery red as the sun fades on the horizon. How could I cross an apple tree whose fruits are weighing heavy on its arms? How not to pick up some of the many apples that have fallen on the floor, smiling at me with their deep red cheeks? How to not see the beauty in the many rotten ones, and how they feed back into a perfect cycle? 

All of this reminds me of where I find myself, in my role, with so many questions around harvest and so much colour and transformation in the air (and also one or another turbulent thunderstorm, it's the season  ;)). There are so many moments of realization regarding what we have manifested over the past two years, my learnings and growth, future aspirations, flourishing relationships that have been growing along the way. So many things that are as ready for harvest as the apples on the tree, so much richness to pass over, so many seeds that might evolve into new realities. Will I be able to harvest all of them before they end up rotting on the floor? The thought of the rotten apples on the floor gives me peace as I observe how they feed back into the ecosystem, feeding other living beings (my beloved fungi amongst them, yehy!) and molding into the soil that will nourish the next generation. All of what I have listed will be integrated, in more or less tacit, tangible, direct, indirect ways. It will end up at the right place within the ecology, feeding life to continue. Ideas wiggeling on, finding their pathways.

And yet, what a beautiful gift to celebrate harvest, and thereby this wondrous cycle, with a sense of ceremony? Yet another longing of mine: acknowledging my contribution, being seen, feeling respected. An old pattern lingering in my family tells 'No one recognizes your worth', going hand in hand with an overly focus on giving/being received over receiving oneself, and unconscious disapproval of acknowledgement. Only now I learn to see how this, as well, is a question of perspective. How can I ever be received without receiving myself in the same moment? Touch a person, tree, poem, idea without having them touch me? What is the role of openness & center? What is the role of trust & trauma? What does agency mean, if I have any at all? Diving into fears and seeing them move and shift, like the clouds on the evening sky. Trusting in my learning, and wondering if I can abstract some insights from the forest.

Richness, readiness, ripples.
Warmth. 

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash