MOMENTAUFNAHMEN: On parenting.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a mother (not yet), and I am not necessarily aspiring to give birth.

I am talking about parenting in our organizations. I feel that, in our organizations, we very often are being moved into the oh-so-common role of a mother, a father, a child. Not by anyone in particular, and yet by everyone in particular. And that comes with many assumptions and unconscious presuppositions that just don't fit my view of the world anymore. 

And yet I have been observing the pattern for the past years in oikos, and I knew that I would move into this co-dependency with every deeper involvement. When starting our co-presidency, D and I agreed that it was time for us to grow out of this pattern, grow adult. Rather be a cool auntie in the relationship to our team, or just some other kids on the playground. Through humour, love, care, and clarity in our communication. Shaking it off.

Still, how deeply ingrained is it that the mother does the dishes & ensures that the structures are all in place? How deeply judged can we feel when we don't live up to the image of mother mary as a saint, ever-caring & admiring figure that so effortlessly serves her child - in particular when moving through the world as a woman? How common to believe that the head of the organization is responsible for questions of governance & finance. How easy to lean back & hand over the steering wheel whenever it is getting difficult or there is a sense of exhaustion. How quick to fill the gaps when you burn for what you do, when you deeply care for the people around you? 

We made deep progress over the past months. People starting to own their shit, and their questions. Daring into new structures & ways of thinking. And yet, there are days.. Today was such a day where I couldn't focus on our progress. Where sitting in a 1 h meeting felt like a little eternity. Where my inner world responded with resentment and my energy was pulled out of me as if a vampire sucked on my throat. Where my team felt like a kid that had outgrown my capacity to carry them, and yet clinging to my chest. 

A heavy feeling, full of potential to burst into change. A feeling that often comes up in contexts of implementing new ideas together, and creating a baseline for a new structure. People resonating with ideas, yet somehow not being able to act upon them. Despite a shared agreement & commitment. Over weeks & months. Over countless invitations & reminders. Over moments of slightly losing temper, judging undertones, loving-kindness & compassion, or just wonder about the fascinating misalignments in communication. Until we either (humorously or for real) break into tears or the rage of not being heard, not being respected, being all alone in this. Today was such a day, where I just couldn't carry it anymore. 

And yet I see the importance of gaps in all of this, the necessity to learn. The necessity for me to show up, let the gaps be, breathe into them. To take ownership of my own roles, point out when I feel triggered or invited to cover. To embrace my trigger points, lean into tension, inquire direction. To celebrate every step on this journey, together. 

I wonder what else it needs to learn, lean into another pattern as a team, as an organization.
What does it need for a mother & child to grow into another relationship?
Love, care, humour. Clarity. Failing on both sides. Acknowledging. Reconfirming our belonging.  
Scripts becoming conscious, letting go, rewriting the plot. A constant dance.

What a journey. Glad I am not alone in this.