RIVERS: quaver reflection

 

Dear you, 

it has now been nearly 4 months that you entered this new reality, this thing others would call job but you know that it is much more than that. 

I am taking a deep breath and connect to all that happened in these turbulent weeks, to all the thoughts, feelings, emotions, the not-feeling, the overwhelm.

Overwhelm. Such a boiling frog thing. How often do we not see that we are heading there? Do you see it? Do you sense it? I guess Senge would refer to structures navigating behaviour at this point and I am convinced that this holds a certain degree of truth, especially when we see our Selves and our mental models as an intrinsic part of the field. And I took the decision to not numb myself, to listen and sit within the overwhelm, both the one deriving from exhilaration and misery or a breath-taking mash of the two. What an increased level of aliveness, what a ground for deep change.

And how do you cope? What would you say? Is the ground prepared? Are patterns shifting?
Well first of all, I wouldn't call it coping because I do not want to cope with life, but embrace it with all its tides. And that's fucking hard sometimes. I really felt it in my body, my bones, my muscles, my fascia how draining and intense these times are (accelerated through a global level of suffering no one could have predicted 1 year ago). And I started sharing and with that came the inner censor of "shall not bother others with your emotions, shall be the positive one, shall be the good girl, the leader has to be strong". In general, I am proud of how I let myself down into the exhaustion and how I listened and responded (when also at a quite late state from time to time). How I was consciously overshooting my boundaries, just to test what would happen on the long run, being in a more awake state than times ago. The word rest is calling me magically and I tend to it compassionately, I take my breaks, I go out for walks, I eat good food. I shifted contexts and made it through the turbulence of moving a whole office and myself to a new beginning while the train was running. And I felt so supported from so many sides, team, family, friends. I more-or-less patiently waited for grounds to settle and decided to be kind to myself and my self-judgement in the faith that moving attention to the quality of my thoughts will help me to integrate and grow beyond.

And oh, a lot, a freaking lot has been happening on that level. While the ground was all stirred up, I once more had this sense of being lost, of not knowing myself really, of not knowing anything - even if knowing that the only thing we can know is how we perceive the world. Thoughts turning, up and down, lots of self-reference and finding my place. Maybe also escaping a little into the work, I mean there are always emails waiting to be replied. There is always scope to do more, just to be more. More than not enough. What a paradox. And indeed, I did a lot already. An astonishing amount of movements that have been rippled off since I am in office. A lot of chaos and confusion, too - but that is oh-so-necessary on our way to new order, isn't it? And who our there dares to make space for it? This really does feel like growing up, into something new, more accountable, more connected, more anti-fragile. With shifting the office, daring to rebel against traditional strategy, opening pandora boxes, asking uncomfortable questions, nurturing partnerships in several different ways and letting others decay silently, by talking to people individually and stressing the importance of links and ties, are we scraping of the last bits of old colour on the outside of our ship? Removing the old sails and some of the very fragile, old masts so that we can build a new? These days I feel a lot of fresh air coming up and it is the right time to get some new paint on that boat. To draw some new stories and reimagine our history and how it influences us, how it may propel us forward. To reinvent structures and build trust, one marble at a time. Are we ready for the great storm? I don't know. But are we heading the right way and put energy to the right places? Yes, for sure. For most extent. 

So, what is missing? Which perspectives are missing? And what about the team? Are you in service the way you imagined? What is missing, or maybe better: what is waiting is new structure to emerge even clearer and being manifested, new focus which arises out of story, new habits and behaviours that raise from conversations that matter and melt the structures into relational shapes and meaningful outcomes. So where do I have to put my focus on, then? Where do you have to take care? What do you need to tend in the coming weeks? I see my own patterns clearer with every day and one of them showing up several times is the topic over team, the perfectionist who is task-oriented and ignores the more subtle, yet incredibly strong layer of empathy that connects her with the rest of the world around her. Dear you, take care that you don't forget the people. I know that in all the overwhelm, you often find yourself in your head with too many tabs open - but can you stop for an hour on the way to look into the faces in these zoom windows? Can you connect to all the feelings and identify that some of them aren't yours? If you don't, you will only carry the baggage - on their shoulders! I mean, this is also a part of the 'practice what you preach', isn't it? Human relations are hard - but we can do hard things and we can invite others to show up with their whole self as we do so ourselves. And part of this is also to live up more boldly to my boundaries, revise them and invite others to do the same. How can they trust me if I don't look them in the eyes? If I am jumpy and not grounded when I say that I don't know. I believe I still have a lot of trust-building work to do, especially with the employees and myself. I really want to write a love letter to that deer-me that shows up so often in the overwhelm of all of these hunters and gatherers and trees in the forest. Calm her, look her deeply in the eyes and hold a mirror to her growth. Telling her, it is ok to do mistakes and it is ok to stumble or fall, to not know and to be perceived in a certain way - and it is ok to change and show up differently next time. It is ok to say yes, to say no, to say I don't know, knowing that this probably is the wisest thing that we know in these times. Get her out of the headlights, shaking off the fight-flight-freeze, making space for warmth and discernment, for the roots to grow and tapping myself as my colours sparkle in the spring sun. Indeed, spring is coming and I can feel it. Time for seeding what we want to harvest at the end of the year. Time for kissing the ground and dance to the waters. I am right here.

How deep is your love? 

S.